Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
