I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
