Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
