bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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