You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
