You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
