This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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