So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
