fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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