This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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