I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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