i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
