I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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