P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
