My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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