I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
