Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
this boner is exhausting
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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