it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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