Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
