3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
