I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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