maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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