I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Randomize
