i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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