im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
