I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
