My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
