So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
