I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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