if i can run in heels then i can drive
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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