I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
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Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
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All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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