im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize