you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
