u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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