Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
