You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
