it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
