and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
two words: eviction party
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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