Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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