you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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