the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
