Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
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did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
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I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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