We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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