I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
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So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
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It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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