so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
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I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
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I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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