The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
