2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
