just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
