i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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