Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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