He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
