You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Everclear isn't food dammit
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
