Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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