Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
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He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
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I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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