He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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