i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
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I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
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That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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