we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
