THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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