his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
