Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
