i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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