i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
